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    Tommy Cooper What a Legend

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    T-Boner

    Posts : 84
    Join date : 2010-07-20
    Age : 39
    Location : Queensbury

    Tommy Cooper What a Legend

    Post  T-Boner on Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:05 am

    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

    A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

    A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
    Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

    Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
    The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

    I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

    I backed horse last week at ten to one.
    It came in at quarter past four.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
    The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
    The other one says "so are you, you fat b4stard"

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
    He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
    Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
    "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

    "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
    I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
    He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

    "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
    But I think it's Colin."
    avatar
    Timbo

    Posts : 6
    Join date : 2010-07-20
    Age : 47

    Re: Tommy Cooper What a Legend

    Post  Timbo on Mon Aug 09, 2010 12:28 pm

    Boner - A man after my own heart! Very Happy

    Sorry about the repeats! Very Happy

    Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

    And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
    chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
    house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

    "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds
    like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
    anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

    Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
    backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

    So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

    "I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..."

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard"

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

    Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
    'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

    You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

    So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
    ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.

    So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My
    dog's died."

    "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

    So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

    Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
    marijuana,press the hash key..."

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
    find any.

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
    can't, I've cut your arms off".

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
    craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
    places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

    Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

    So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
    "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

    So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

    Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

    "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say
    fairer than that then"

    I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

    I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
    arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

    So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
    "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

    You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
    night before and shoot the fox.

    The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"

    So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

    I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".



    But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
    myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

    So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
    Wedgie Kray.

    So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

    But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

    So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
    carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

    You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
    converter.

    So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

    So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

    Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

    And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
    bisatchel.

    So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

    So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
    thought "That's a turtle disaster".

    Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
    your type in here."

    A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
    some kind of joke?"

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    A seal walks into a club...

    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
    different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan".
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


    "I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, "look, this chicken I got here is cold" he said "it should be, it's been dead two weeks", I said "not only that" I said, I said... I said it twice, I said "he's got one leg shorter than the other", he said "what do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it." I said "forget the chicken, give me a lobster" and he brought me this lobster. I said "just a minute, he's only got one claw", he said "well he's been in a fight."
    I said "Well give me the winner."


    "So I said to this Chinese waiter, "Are there any Chinese jews", so he went away and when he came back he said, "no, there's only apple juice, pineapple juice..."


    "I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite."


    "I went to the doctor and I said "it hurts when I do that", he said "well, don't do it."

    "What do you call a Gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anything you like, he can't hear ya?"


    "My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, "I've got water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said, "in the river."


    "I went to the dentists, he said "my teeth are all right but my gums have gotta come out."

    "I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables. The Jockey kept hitting him with the whip and the horse said to him "what are you doing that for, there's nobody behind us."



    "Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today, I had to he's ill. And he said to me "can I help you?" and I said "Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said "break me arms."



    "Ooh, my feet are killing me... every night they grab me around the throat."



    "I bought a greyhound about a month ago. A friend of mine said to me "what are you gonna do with it" I said "I'm gonna race it" he said "by the look of it, I think you'll beat it."


    "I saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed."

    Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

    My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

    I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

    I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
    A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

    I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.


    Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.


    I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is.

    The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part.

    I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby.

    Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.

    This man says to me "my dog's got no nose"
    So I said to him "How does he smell?"
    "Terrible"


    I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.



    I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.



    A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
    And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

    And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat"
    I said "Why not?"
    He said "We don't give him any"

    I've always been unlucky.
    I had a rocking horse once, and it died.


    I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.


    This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
    He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
    Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
    When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
    It was a different elephant.


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